No escape

Is there a sadder moment than one when two souls drift apart? Maybe only when two souls that like each other very much drift apart…

I hate feeling of powerlessness. When I cannot change course of actions that happen in my life. I always have hated it and I believe I always will. There are things I wish I wouldn’t have said or done, but as I do I can only sit back and watch the reaction it causes on the other side, unable to take it all back. Nobody but me knows I do not actually mean it, but try to explain that in the heat of the moment. Opposite thing with same effect is when I do nothing even though every sense tells me I ought to. The effect created is the same in both cases – I feel powerless, sad, useless.

I feel my best friend and I are falling apart. I have sensed this for a while now because of various circumstances, but today I have seen it, too. Standing a few meters apart from each other after spending an evening together, waiting at the bus stop for the same bus, nobody willing to talk and pierce the darkness that is enveloping us, because it seems all has been said. Ironically, when I look at the opposite bus stop on the other side of the road, there is a couple talking, kissing and hugging each other tight. They, too, are waiting for a bus. Well, in the end I think it is not ironic at all. It is just a nasty mirror to see myself in and ponder.
It would have been so easy. I could just come closer to my good friend and start talking to her. About anything, really. We have known each other for some years now, for god’s sake! But… I just couldn’t. Helplessness overcame me and swallowed me whole (again). So we just stood there until our bus arrived. After passing a few stops we said a short and almost inaudible “Bye” and that was it. No hugs, no touch, no eye contact. Easy…
Except it wasn’t. It was breaking me. Inside. And there was NOTHING I could have done about it. And there was EVERYTHING I could have done about it. And I chose the easier way out – staying idle. You may think “what is wrong with you? why did you do nothing?” To that, sadly, I have no answer – the reason may be simple or too complex, but I do not know myself. Only result is visible, that to which my fears got me. I wish I was a braver person, to be good enough for the few friends I have. But I am not. And they deserve so much more, so much better.

Is there a sadder moment when two souls that like each other drift apart?
Yes, when they know about it.

 

(Image credit goes to Thomas – thomasthom75@gmail.com – http://thomasnocturne.tumblr.com/)

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